Giving My All?

Sally, the Interviewer: Hello, Q. We would like to interview you because you say that you are "giving your all". Is this statement true?

Q: Yes, Sally, I'm DEFINITELY giving my all!! I mean, look at me: I'm a student missionary, I'm on a tiny island...look, I even extended to stay for summer school!

Sally: *Ahem...yes, that's very nice of you. So you feel like you are really giving your all? For what?

Q: *no answer...
(thinking)...what does she mean, "for what?" for God, for the people of Ebeye, for me! Wait, for me?
Yes, that is part of the problem. We as missionaries so often become stuck on what WE are doing for THEM - wherever we are serving. Well, realistically, THEY have done a whole lot more for ME this year than I ever could've done for THEM. And am I really living my life daily for God, or am I just saying "well, I'm a missionary, so I must be doing what God wants me to do!" And then going about life in my own way, doing my own thing? Hmmm...

Sally: Well, you recently put up a blog post called "50 Days", and from what I could see the focus was pretty much on YOU and what you have gone through this year! How does that apply to this selfless idea of giving your all up to your God to be used however He sees fit?

Q: . . . . . . 

I have no answer...not even for my own conscience. But I'm thinking about this...

"Yokwe, Yokwe" Lady

A story of my friend: Likatu Bubu - "Beautiful Grandma" as I will fondly call her.
   When we arrived in Ebeye in August one of the first things I noticed was how friendly the people are. Everyone smiles at you and says Yokwe when you walk by. Especially the kids! They will follow you around for a while, or just yell "ripalle!" (white person) and ask you for a "high five!" They are so cute and always brighten even the darkest days.
   One sweet lady in particular really has made an impact on me. This little elderly lady always sat in the doorway of her house. She was always dressed nicely in her mumu, often wearing earrings, and holding her Marshallese fan, smiling and waving at everyone who went by. She was always there. Every morning before school, every Sabbath, EVERY DAY, she would sit there. I would see her there in her wheel chair, leaning forward, so she could see the street, with a sparkle in her eye and a smile accentuating her beautiful wrinkles from a hard but happy life.
   For several weeks our conversation consisted of "Yokwe, Yokwe!" and then progressed very slowly as I picked up even a tiny bit of the language. Each day I would wave and ask how she was doing. I asked her name 4 or 5 times. I could never remember it - and still can't - so that is when I just began calling her Bubu. I would attempt to carry on short conversations with her which usually ended with a stumbled Marshallese apology saying "Sorry, I no language Marshallese...only little." She would always smile, nod, and say "Emman, komol - It's good, thank you!" I would continue my walk home with a renewed resolve to study the language and really practice it! But I never did take the time to learn enough to really get to know her or any of the others that don't speak English.
   She was in a wheelchair because she had lost one leg just above the knee due to diabetes, but she still went to church every Sunday. When she would see me dressed up on Sabbath she always looked confused, so I tried to explain to her that Saturday is my Sabbath. I think she understood, but didn't really know why. I prayed for her each day, and then one day I prayed with her, even though she couldn't understand my English prayer. She thanked me anyway.
  Her visits to the hospital became more frequent, repeated amputations were made to keep ahead of the infections, and she seemed to get weaker. She amazed me by continuing to sit by the door, and if anything her smile became bigger. I always wished I would do more for her. I'm not sure why I felt such a special connection with her, but she really was a little like a Marshallese grandma to me.
  One Sabbath morning (October 19) she was not sitting at her post when I walked to church. She is ALWAYS there. Well, maybe she just has another hospital appointment. But usually they aren't on Sabbath...well, I'm sure she is fine. Sunday again. Of course, she is at church, right?
And Monday, still an empty doorway... something is wrong. I think I really knew in my heart the whole time.
   Tuesday we found out that she had passed away Sunday afternoon at the hospital. I spoke with a teacher who has been here a while and said that she had sat in that doorway in her wheelchair for 4+ years. Making everyone's day just a bit brighter with her smile and cheery greeting. I was in charge of speaking at Wednesday night worship the next day which was a challenge, but good for me. God knew I needed to share a bit.
   Her funeral was all the following week, and we did go by on Sabbath to greet the family and place our 1 dollar bills beside her coffin - Marshallese tradition. I wanted to say something to her family about the impact she had made on me and many others that walked by each day, but I didn't know who to tell. So I simply smiled at the family, cried for them in my heart, and went back to the apartment deep in thought.
   I still think of my Bubu everyday on the walk to school. I regret not having made more of an effort to connect with her. To learn the language better. To stay there talking with her longer, even if it was hard and sometimes awkward. To share more about my Jesus with her. I miss seeing her each day, and I pray for her family sometimes when I walk by. I hope they are doing okay.
   I feel like I have seen so much pain and death here. I know it doesn't compare to the "yokwe, yokwe" lady, but also seeing Angel die got me thinking about life and death and Heaven. There have been many funerals here we have attended, and I just wonder about my job here.
Is it teaching math? Yes...but definitely NOT just math.It's all about Jesus. God, His people, and His great love for them all! I hope, I pray, that I have helped my students and maybe others to have a more clear picture of Christ and His love. I pray that I will see my likatu bubu in Heaven and have a long conversation with her and a good laugh about our previous attempts at communicating. I pray that all of my 6th graders will be there to join hands together and sing again, "Lord, I need You" or "I'm a son" or "Do you love my Jesus?" and many more! They will meet my sisters, my family, AND my brother! I am so excited for Jesus to come and I pray they will all be ready. I long for that day! What a glorious day that will be, when we see Jesus face to face! 

    Now I saw a new heaven and a new earth, for the first heaven and the first earth had passed away. Also there was no more sea. Then I, John, saw the holy city, New Jerusalem, coming down out of heaven from God, prepared as a bride adorned for her husband. 

   And I heard a loud voice from heaven saying, “Behold, the tabernacle of God is with men, and He will dwell with them, and they shall be His people. God Himself will be with them and be their God. And God will wipe away every tear from their eyes; there shall be no more death, nor sorrow, nor crying. There shall be no more pain, for the former things have passed away.” 

Then He who sat on the throne said, “Behold, I make all things new.” And He said to me, “Write, for these words are true and faithful.” And He said to me, “It is done! I am the Alpha and the Omega, the Beginning and the End. I will give of the fountain of the water of life freely to him who thirsts. He who overcomes shall inherit all things, and I will be his God and he shall be My son."                                                        ~Revelation 21:1-7

Our Running Buddy: Angel

Thursday, May 15
I started this post quite a while ago to tell you about Angel, but hadn't finished. And now...well, I needed to think it through because it really hit me hard...so I finished this post. I wasn't sure if I should post it, but I decided to go ahead...I hope that's okay.
Sunday Morning - SEVERAL months ago - I'm not sure when:
   Brenda and I were going to run at the causeway, but no one else wanted to join us on an early Sunday morning. Now, we know that for safety reasons more people is better, and so we usually only go if it's 3+ OR if we have a man with us...We really wanted to go running, but didn't want to be unsafe. We decided to go ahead...
   In true Brenda fashion, we prayed BEFORE we left to run - something I never use to do, but I find it so wonderful and will definitely continue to do so. We prayed that God would keep us safe, and send us His angels to run with us.
   We stepped out of the apartment and had barely started walking when this cute dog came out of some alleyway. She appeared to be a stray - very skinny and dirty - but yet was very friendly like a pet. We began to run, and she trotted along next to us. She barked at any dogs or men that were in near proximity to us AT ALL, and I remember in particular her barking at one drunk man who quickly stumbled the OTHER direction. She made us feel much better. We petted her to thank her, and I think from then on she claimed us as her owners. I can't remember who said it, but Brenda and I affectionately began to call her our "angel" on the run because we felt God sent her to keep us safe. The name stuck, and after we gave her a bath and pulled all her ticks out (YUCK!!!!) Angel quickly became the SDA dog. She followed the teachers everyday to and from school and would play with the kids at recess.
2 Problems:
#1: Marshallese dogs are not usually looked at as pets, and are not treated very well. Therefore parents and some teachers became very bothered by the dog in the school.
#2: Angel was a PEST! Since she wasn't trained, she didn't listen very well. She thought she owned the school, and did not hesitate to come upstairs, into the classrooms and chapel, etc.!! NOT OKAY.
   We tried to train her, but no one wanted to become to attached to her, because we all know we are leaving at the end of the year! There has been talk of trying to get rid of her, but no one wants her, and on an island the size of Ebeye...well, she'll find her way back to the apartment in an hour no matter where you take her... The problems increased when she recently became pregnant. As the weeks went by, she has become more and more protective of certain people, and today it was too much.
   Angel tried to bite a teacher, and in the end the police were called to come and shoot her. Well, I was very, very sad...we had to clear all the kids from the school right away after school, and when all the people were gone, the police came by. I stayed...maybe because I was afraid how they would kill her, I'm not sure. But they were afraid of her, and she was being pretty vicious to them - barking and growling. I think she knew something was up, and they were afraid to come inside the schoolyard. After about 10 minutes, I was feeling so bad for her, and knew we needed to get it over with. So what happened? This is terrible...
   I calmed Angel down, and convinced her to come and lay down by the fence, and after some coaxing and a few tries, I got her to stay laying there by the fence, obliviously enjoying my petting and attention. I scooted away a few feet, and they put the gun through the fence and shot her head...I didn't turn away quite fast enough, so I saw. And...it really bothered me. What blind trust she had! What a terrible person I felt like! Yes, I'm really upset...
   I couldn't watch anymore, so I quickly ran upstairs to gather my things and go home...when I came back down they had already wrapped her up and carried her out to the car to take care of her. By this time I had gathered myself together, so I told them thank you, waved goodbye, and walked back to the apartment with the one other teacher who had been there with me. He and I talked about it a bit, but quickly moved on to other things, as it didn't bother him quite so much...in fact, he was the teacher the dog had tried to bite.

  So, why am I blogging about this? I'm really not sure...I'm sorry if it's a morbid! I guess I just want to share a few of my thoughts:
 We so often seem to forget the value of life.
 I think we are so desensitized!  (yet..)  We all have soft hearts that need connection and love.
 Somehow we are often caught up in living our lives and forget what this life is really all about.  
 I cannot wait for Heaven, when we can be reunited with family and friends and best of all, our Savior!
 I'm not sure how I got these thoughts from a dog...but this Kiru in Ebeye was definitely a blessing, a sweet dog, and someone that I will miss seeing around, too...
Sabbath, May 24.
   So I am now posting this. I feel so bad, and I really miss having Angel around. One more thing that has changed this year. A very sad thing that weighs on my heart. Yes, it's "just a stray dog" but she was going to have puppies...and she was a sweetheart and she was created by God. I thank Him for the lessons He is teaching me this year, and the protection He has given. I hope God understands why we had to shoot her, and even though I feel bad for "helping" I know He knows that I did it so it so she would be calm and not fighting them to her death. She was completely unaware and blissfully happy, and I'm glad I could do that small thing for her.

 Thanks for reading, I hope this (somehow) taught you something as well.

"Are not five sparrows sold for two copper coins? And not one of them is forgotten before God. But the very hairs of your head are all numbered. Do not fear therefore; you are of more value than many sparrows."                                ~Luke 12:6, 7

   

50 Days - - - - - what I'm thinking - - - - - -

   Yes, it is official!
(and it has been for quite a while...but I just never blog to share it...)
   I will be staying here in Ebeye for summer school and coming home on July 4th! :) I am so glad. Probably because in my mind I have prepared already to stay summer, but I cannot imagine leaving in 2 or 3 weeks as many of the teachers are doing! I am really looking forward to the summer, but I will really miss the other teachers! It's amazing what living in one building for 10 months can do for relationships. :D
   We had our all-staff dinner and end-of-the-year celebration tonight. As I heard the other teachers sharing their appreciation and love for each other with their good-bye speeches, all I could think about was #1, how much we all have changed this year - me especially! - and #2, what a strange family we are!
   But really, we are a family: from Andrews, Southern, PUC, California, WWU :), the Philippines, Thailand, and the world! Yes, that makes a very diverse family, but I love them all and I am so glad every person came here this year. They have taught me so much, prayed for me, and helped me grow in SO MANY different ways! Wow!

  As far as me personally leaving Ebeye? Well...I still have 50 days until I have to face that...and I know it's going to fly by WAY TO FAST!! So for now, I'm trying to stay afloat in all my grading, papers, closing reports, and other teacher-ish things, but still have fun with my kids as we finish exams, have last minute picture sessions, and prepare for goodbye parties...
And I am NOT thinking about actually leaving at all..because that is way to sad.
   Wow, 50 days...
What a beautiful, awesome year I've had.
What a hard, difficult year.
Challenge after challenge.
   I feel like I never had a chance to stop and breathe, but that is why I've grown so much. There was not time to be stagnant, or proud, or think I have it all together!!! One second after I think I've overcome this HUGE challenge, another is already looming on the horizon, making me to fall to my knees yet again in humble acknowledgment of the Prince of Peace and King of kings who alone can conquer my mountain!
  Even though I dread leaving, I'm so excited to come back and see what new challenges and things I will face! I know it will be hard, and some days I would give anything for EASY and SIMPLE and NOT CHALLENGING. Sometimes, I don't even care if I'm growing anymore or not. Because growing brings growing pains, and I'm tired of confusion, pain, and questions!
But no! I know better. It IS good, and with God for me, who can stand against me!?!?
So I will not give up,
back down,
sit still,
quit trying,
give in...
I will stand strong,
lift my chin up,
keep my eyes on HIM,
and pray, pray, PRAY.
That is what I can do!

   Lord, please help me conquer this mountain range coming up...
and Lord?
   Can You please show me how to fly over it?! Like an eagle...or airplane.  :)

  50 DAYS!!!!

Old News : Coconut, Bōb, Kuuj im Kiru in Ebeye

    Here a few stories from last semester:


Coconut - We actually don't have a lot of trees on the island of Ebeye itself, but we still can get a fresh coconut every now and then from an outer island, as a gift or something like that. Our first coconut here was in Guegeegue at the evangelistic meetings, and I must say it was delicious! :) They were picked off the dwarf tree the deacon had planted by his house for easy picking. After we drank the coconut, he cracked them open, and we used a piece of the husk as a spoon to scrape out the meat. So yummy! (I think this picture is funny and just wanted to share it! We are the 3 SMs to Ebeye who were able to attend the orientation in Hawaii before we came.)

Pandanus  or "Bōb"

Bōb - This is said halfway between "pop" (soda) and "pup" (like puppy). Known elsewhere as Pandanus, this fruit is VERY strange. The tree is covered in small spikes on the leaves, trunk, and even the fruit. It grows in a big clump thing bigger about the size of a basketballx2, and when it's ripe, they break apart each small section. It's yellow-orange inside and extremely stringy...
   The first time I was offered Bōb my piece was not cut up, so they told me to just gnaw on it and suck the juice out of it. I felt like my mouth was full of hair for the next 3 hours until I could do a major flossing! I really like Bōb though, and especially in smoothies, or cut up.


Kuuj im Kiru in Ebeye - "Cat and Dog of Ebeye".

    One day, as we were walking home from church, we choose to walk back on the beach. As we walked we heard a pitiful cry coming from under a big flat rock. As we tried to find what it was, we found a small, wet kitten hiding near the ocean. We could not see any cats around, and she looked like she had been neglected for quite sometime, so I took her out. We carried her home and held her in our apartment for about one hour. But since some teachers are allergic to animals (and here you better not get started on taking in strays) we knew we couldn't keep her. We cleaned her up, fed her, played with her for a while, filled up our hearts and hers with love, then gave her to a student. Problem: Another child stole the kitten and tried to throw it over a fence into a "safe area" from dogs where she was going to play with it...I think it died from that. :(
    Our students informed us in the fall that there was a dog and puppies under the maintenance shed at school... I was able to hold and play with one of the puppies who kept running out. :) The poor mamma was not in good shape, but between all the students and teachers who felt sorry for her, she definitely survived. She picked a good place to raise her 3 babies. One died, and then the kids wanted the other two. The one had kind of claimed me, and we couldn't think of a name, so I asked them how to say puppy in Marshallese. The name stuck, and one of my students took Kiru in Ebeye home for me (to Guegeegue I believe) and has raised him. :)